Deeming Dreaming

The (start of) something new.....

I have started Morning Dancing again. For those not in the know I started dancing outside (officially) in 2010 when I returned from working in Sri Lanka in Glasgow along the River Clyde’s Broomielaw. I did it (as I do now) out of necessity. Necessity in that I am (and was) working in dance and there is a dirth of indoor spaces available to make work. I did it because it seemed the space *needed* a dance. And I did it because *I* needed to dance, for my body and soul.

Then (and more so now) the fracturing of society was a widening chasm. It seemed the more we committed ourselves to ‘social’ media the more anti-social and despondent we became. And with this disconnection, a disembodiment. Floating heads on moving forms, disconnected, hunched, unhealthy, unhappy… not vibrant and alive.

I had an instinct in me that lone day to dance, and I did. And it awakened things in people. It awakened things in myself. It brought individuals together, it seeded creativity, communication and urban legend. And whilst an element of it was ‘captured’ on virtual media, most happened in real time. That was the magic that I felt and saw in my living breathing tangible world.

I saw and advocated for the potential of humanity in those days as I zapped out my ‘joy guns’ from my belly into my eyes and to other people, igniting and seeing the best emerge from dark corners and despondent faces. I saw people wake and regain hope.

Fast forward 12 years and here I am again. Dancing at Sunrise outside. This time in my local park in Pollokshields, Square Park. Again I do it out of necessity. Again, there are no dance spaces to utilise for working artists except in short bursts if you are lucky (and have the freedom of time, but more on that later). And because I am broken and need to find myself again. And how I find myself is through moving in the world, in my body.

I am a solo Mother. That is the father of my son has never taken any responsibility for our child’s life on any level. When he first left, I looked outward and thought, I can do this. I saw other mothers. I was strong and able. And yet I could never have anticipated this journey to be so hard, so lonely, so devastatingly lonely. I am stronger than I ever imagined but that strength is balanced on a knife’s edge. When people look at me, they don’t see my challenges but my strength. They see someone who is capable. Who is managing, and I am. But at great cost.

I get bored talking about it, but it seems so little is acknowledged or genuinely supported in the domestic sphere so I must. Until things change. Not just for me, but for the thousands of others who are forgotten who I see.

When you are a parent you are given balls to manage. If you are managing on your own this becomes juggling. Always juggling, keeping those balls in the air. For others with partners, extended families and active social networks, it becomes a ball game. Those balls get shared out, you can have other balls if you want. There could be vast swathes of time when you are ball-less and just. can. be. Not so when you are a solo parent.

And here is the thing I have witnessed in the lives of my peers, because I am so capable I am always given more. It occurred to me that the reason folks with resources often don’t step forward to advocate or help for something better is because they are used to only passing the ball, not feeling as though the world might just crash down if they don’t step forward. Both are true. For me as a solo parent, if I do not take the ball mine and my son’s life falls apart. For a big family, someone else will step forward.

What is the answer? What needs to happen?

I have come to the conclusion we need to have witnesses to our lives to make things better. We have evolved this way. We need to have well resourced communities that have opportunities for the everyday. If someone asks me ‘to just… (insert activity here)’ as if it is nothing they are not seeing that I am already playing keepy uppy with the many elements of my life.

It is this awareness that informs my dance and arts practice. It is this awareness that has (on the one hand) isolated me from the dance community and on the other hand made me (perhaps) (and ironically) the most popular, well known dancer in Scotland. (and least funded lol).

What does it mean to be witness to each other’s lives? It’s building trust, and becoming part of the everyday. It’s being part of the minutae. It’s being an anchor in a place and with a community. It’s only here we can notice the nuance and respond accordingly and respond *in time*.

People say ‘ask me if you need anything’. For a person who is juggling, this is another ball handed to her. When we witness we notice where the gaps are, what is needed in the everyday on physical, social and spiritual levels.

Our arts worlds (on the whole with few exceptions) are industry models that build dance communities and not communities of dance. And they cannot, as they are not integrated, value the everyday. They are based on models of touring, and selling. They are industries. As long as this model continues they will be complicit in being exclusionary as no support mechanisms or value is placed on sustainable and local practice in real time.

So I will continue hammering home these things I witness in my life, and endeavoring to make good with the gifts that I have (which are many). To see what is possible. To dance. To be joyful. And to juggle well.

Image Beth Chalmers - Space Nature Nurture Residency Jupiter Artland

Thanks so much for reading. This is my first post! I am aiming to publish *at least* one a week. I really appreciate your support on every level.